woo hoo.. what a tired week. not much rest and still can play maple.. zzz.
time to control le. things are flowing in nowadays. i just cant sleep well recently. maybe too much things going on le. restless ba.
today a kinda good day. though yesterday came back late home, like around 2:30am, but still managed to catch some sleep around 3:30am(you know what i am doing? mapling!... waste of time.zzz) very sad, a game makes so stupid that i fell deep into it, and now feel like chionging lol. while others ask me why so chiong about maple, they themselves are also in depth within. haha, it seems like they are even worse. and i found something addicting. it's the world ranking in maple. it's because of parents' typical behaviour, which is comparing, now they make the game very competing, and everyday, i will kanna called noob for once because of my low level. often i found myself loss of words to fight back. steal kill from me, and ya bad things keep happening on me. it seems like i am too free =D.
actually i go into maple because i hoped i can really saved them out from there. yeah. but of course to go into relationship, which is something quite off too lol. i was actually going in, hoping i can found a target and i found a gal lol. Praise God. her interest in maple seems like it's fading... lol.
i found her special. yeah, she is someone you can talk to, and she dun mind to lend her your listening ear. simple minded and yeah, smart. something i like about her. hope she doesnt know i like her haha =D. she has a lot of problems for one, but she doesnt have the abilities to plan and yeah, hardly any abilities to solve questions which requires planning. something i do not hav also, cos most of my solutions can only solve the present situations not the future problems that might arise from my solutions. woo~! something new for me to learn. she helps to bring back who i am. rough and straightforward guy haha.
who i am? i lost myself long ago by the confrontation of my class. be aware of what i do and what i say, i must be so careful that i cant miss a thing, which is a tough thing for me to fulfil. ahh tough training but i will make it, by God's Grace, Power, Strength, Wisdom and Love! alone in school is quite helpless, really, especially when you saw you are the odd one out and all seems to be against you, or your idea. to counter them is not easy, you can make a flawless plan to counter them, but of course your plan must be flexible, must be adaptable to all situations, because they can out witted you easily, since guys are the minority. zzz =.=!
today at church was great, Lord's supper leh! once in a month only leh! and felt kinda honoured... thanks God for His Grace.=). reently very stressed. the power struggle between two women in my heart... both give me a feeling of security but only one will stand out. or i dun choose now. really helpless now, and normally i have the modern answer, find God lo. =D. ironically i have the answer yet i screwed things up myself zz....
today something quite miraculous happened. in front of the stage there are spotlights to make the ambience for worship. somehow, it randomly shone onto my cross, which supposedly to be inside my tee, i took it out and the light shone it. As i was trying to make the cross to have the full ray of that small light, that light suddenly seems to talk to me and make me realised something.. the cross i have now, are supposedly to have a dark drawn cross inside. some how one day i washed it away, which is the day that Dylan rebuked my soul and spirit. i was crying in my heart saying, "my Lord, i wanted to surrender everything to you, and i will humble down," and so that day, i offered Him my darker side, that i used it to fight back the world. also, it's that day i washed the chain and the black drawn cross was being washed. =). though the dark part of my spirit is a small portion, it affected my life greatly.
after the black part was washed away, you can see distinctively there is two layers. inner and outer. the outer cross. is like a secure blanket, just to protect myself, using God to protect myself, which i am totally wrong, taking His Blessing to protect myself to hide my dark side. though is well hidden, it has broke out after Dylan told me. how strong is my dark side? i dunno, but most probably is towards inhumane, and yup sadist =D.
the Cross i have is designed like this: one small and thin cross carved in the centre of a big cross and behind is flat. i realised that, no matter what is showed in the front, the back is always the same, like God's Love to everybody is equal at the end of the day, like the way He treat us. Just asked and you will be given =).Praise God =)
Tired and Weak, I found You.
Holding You tightly,
may My Walk with You is nothing,
but Just to
love Your People. =)