tired and fatigue. hope my soul will be able rest later. =)

well this week has been good. nowadays busying with church stuffs. they said everything i do alone, but they didnt come and listen they know what to do ma? everyone is always busying with their stuffs. out of them, i seems to be the most free de.

though a lot of parts of my life is still unable to fix, i believe that as time goes, every step will present an answer. for now, i will like to see the world. how the world is like, how is the people living doing and yup kinda affected by that. affected by looks, materials, freedom of life, pleasure, characteristic and behavior of human beings, and yup kinda sick to stick with life, keep following and given instruction to do my stuffs, do do do, follow follow follow... but still need to thank God for the journey mercy =).

dun ask me what to do, because when you guys everytime ask me what to do, i also dunno. first thing i am afraid of giving instructions, then if something went wrong, i scared being scolded by a whole group of people, then i sianz the whole day. secondly i am not leader. i know my boundaries, and yup to a certain extend of our nursing career, there's some parts we cannot, and to me, i seems to be bothering too much stuffs le. time to let go some? i think so. =)

past few days, i have been reflecting, i am kinda lost, dunno what to do, i dun wish my life just sleep, study, eat, work, study, eat, work, sleep. kinda plain and nothing much, and i think it's time for me to get hold of my life. waiting for God to drop something from heaven is possible, but you have to wait long long~, that is something i dun like, wait. patience i sure have, but do allow me to have the time to "digest" all my patience pills to absorb the power of patience before i can have the patience to wait for you.

somehow, hope, determination, and some more stuffs kept flashing in my mind and heart. I believe that is something from God, sure it is. to get hold back my life, i will like to try something destructive like torturing people? maybe or not.

i was talking to yilong recently about some stuffs between religions, especially christianty. only christians can be together with christians? has it become so common that it has turned into a trend? why must our leaders do that? what is the purpose at the start of love? why is man so practical when comes into relationship? knowing that even the relationship does not belongs to both but God and whole family, but why people is using as a goal to be together? if only people under the same church are working towards the same goal and must have the thrive for God's work, then can be together, where are real reasons, real feelings behind the relationship? if feelings cannot be trusted, where are the things behind marriage? and marriage is just simply for multiplying? if feelings can be made up and nuture within marriage, what is called true love? if like all people, dun need to have marriage? even better, save money. Jesus just died once to set us free, so?!

what i sensed is that there's no God inside in these questions. it's mostly human desires, pleasure, fun and short being-felt-loved-feeling moment. there's no need to relationship, and i dun like to say that, but that's the truth, but after all, we are human. i dun like to the feeling of hardening of heart of saying these, and say that God can do everything for you, He can provide that everything to you. amazing? i wrote that all myself and i am rebuking myself lol. sounds contradicting though.

after all, it's all human perspectives. no one will know it at the end of the day, can you think what God is thinking? what is inside the bible is just a part only, not too little for human to understand and appreciate, not too much for human to understand how much is His Wisdom. this is simply amazing. =)

as a human, I cant do much though lol.
simply submitting to You.
knowing Your heartbeat.
thanks Lord for Your Grace, Love, Faith and everything.
guide me slowly to You. =)

~ a leader, nuturing and building up lives, submitting and follow to His ways, having a revolutionary mind of ideas! ~